Let me preface this post by saying that it has taken a lot for me to overcome my fears and manage my anxiety to the point that I am at now. I have been humbled, I have been brought down to my lowest point, I have been scared…..I have also been strong, resilient, and proud of myself and who I am now that I have seen myself through the worst of my anxiety.
It has taken me until these past few years to be able to now look back and feel thankful for the hardest time in my life and know I am better for having gone through it. It has also taken me these last few years to be thankful that I had the chance to learn so much about myself and overcome something that was truly the most challenging thing I have faced thus far in my life. I remember the first time I realized that there was something wrong with me and I couldn’t control what was happening to my body. It was 2014 and I was driving one morning the hour long trip from my then fiancée, but now my husbands’ house. I did this a lot since getting to see him mid-week was great, when I could manage it, since we lived an hour away from each other. I would often stay the night during the week to have every extra moment I could with him even if it meant leaving at the crack of dawn to get home for work the next morning. It was 5:15 AM in the morning and I was making my typical drive up I-95 from Rocky Mount, North Carolina to Cary, North Carolina. I remember thinking about our wedding coming up in 5 months and everything there was to do. I was going through a mental check list of things to be done and things that had already been done. I remember going through my checklist for my work day (at the time I was a Marketing and Sales Director of a Hotel company in Cary- a high stress but high reward job). I remember thinking about how crappy (man is that an understatement) it was being 6 hours away from my parents, specifically my mom, who had just been diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. I had a lot on my mind and on my plate, but at the time I had never not been able to handle everything life threw at me gracefully; so I just kept going through my thoughts not paying any mind to them. I was a tad overconfident and proud of the fact that I could always handle anything thrown my way, and in fact this was something I treasured about my personality, that I could handle what others’ struggled with. I was halfway through the drive when my heart started racing, my ears started ringing, my legs went numb, and I felt like I could pass out. Terrified I called Chris, my then fiancée and now husband, and told him that I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I told him I felt like I could be having a heart attack. Not just a figure of speech people…I legitimately thought I was having an actual heart attack. I was shaking and terrified and didn’t know what was happening, let alone what to do. I told him I needed him to help me someway. I was alone and afraid. I had never had problems before with anxiety, or more accurately, I had never noticed that my intense, passionate, high strung, high achieving, worrisome, analytical, fearless, perfectionist personality had a tendency for anxiety all my life. I had never noticed it as anxiety before since it had never dramatically effected my life until this moment. Chris is my polar opposite. He is calm, stable, and peaceful for every part of me that is over-excited, passionate, and intense. Chris told me that I was probably just having a caffeine high and it had more than likely just effected me differently since I was more sleep deprived. Chris said that it was also early, and I hadn’t eaten anything. Although I had only had a half cup of coffee that morning, I was eager to accept his excuse and tried to calm myself down. I remember thinking that had to be what was going on, right? I sat in my car for 15 minutes on the side of the road under an exit sign and listened to my heart pound in my ears. I googled my symptoms, which only made me think there was something horrible wrong with me. I then called my mom and dad, waking both of them up, and explained what had happened. I quickly offered Chris’s excuse about it being low food intake and caffeine, and my dad told me that was more than likely right and for me to just head on home and that I would be okay. I got into the slow lane and trudged my way the last 30 minutes to my condo. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right and that I had somehow lost control of my body. At the time, I didn’t think it could possibly be anxiety (the thought never crossed my mind). I thought maybe my sugar had dropped and/or I was having a physical health problem…never that there was a weakness of my mind. That didn’t happen to 23 year old successful, independent women, who had their crap together. I got home a little bit after six and committed myself to go take a shower, eat breakfast, and head to work in my normal routine. I was fine…FINE…I just kept telling myself that. Although my job was high pressure and high stress, I really loved what I did and I was fortunate to have a wonderful boss. I walked into work to speak with my boss, who I had a great relationship with (she was my boss but also like my adoptive mother). Immediately she told me I looked pale and asked what was wrong. I told her I wasn’t sure if there was something wrong with me, but like I did with my parents, I explained what had happened that morning. My boss looked at me and told me that I probably was just stressed and needed some down time, and with everything going on it was natural to need a breather. I went about my day but decided I would at least try her advice to relax, so I called the local massage parlor and got an appointment for that night. I was convinced by the end of the work day that the morning events weren’t nearly as bad as I remembered and once again I convinced myself it was a combination of stress and an imbalance of caffeine, sleep, and food. I went that night for my massage and tried to let myself relax under the ladies hands. I kept telling myself to relax and unwind because I needed this, but instead of relaxing I got tenser so much so that that I couldn’t relax. I remember asking myself, “What is wrong with me that I can’t relax getting a massage? Why can’t I just relax like everyone else?” By the time I left the massage parlor, I told myself that everyone got wound tight sometimes, I was no different, and that it would pass with time. I didn’t piece together then but when I left my palms were sweaty, my heart was pounding faster than usual, and I was worried about the next day and what would happen. I didn’t know then, but this was the anxiety that I had been living with for most of my life. At the time, I was oblivious. Little did I know I was fixing to hit my lowest of lows in the months to come, question what I knew about myself, have to trust and relay on others A LOT more than I wanted to, and wonder if I was ever going to be okay again. Of course now, 4 years later, I have learned to grow strong through my anxiety, learned myself through and through (even though I didn’t love some of what I saw), and I became not just “okay” but back to being my fabulous old self but improved. In the coming posts, I plan to walk through my journey from this first panic attack mentioned above that I had while driving, to the months and years that followed which were tremendously challenging. These post are difficult for me to write. It is hard to be so open and raw about my life with all you reading. However, I remember praying and saying that if God would see me through this and help me just be to be okay again (which he did and then some) that I would share what I went through. Many times throughout this journey I wondered if I was crazy and if anyone else was going through what I was going through. The answer is most certainly a big old YES but in the moment it doesn’t feel that way. In the moment I felt alone, scared, misunderstood, and less than I actually was. No one talks about this subject openly with others, which is shame because it can do so much good to just talk and feel understood. I feel as though this is my calling. To share and chronicle how scary and hard my journey was when I discovered that was indeed living with anxiety. Stay tuned for next weeks post. Until then, Ginger
27 Comments
Kasey
1/12/2018 12:00:49 pm
Ginger, I am so proud of you for being brave enough to post this. I enjoyed getting to know you better through reading it. I know there are many people out there who are struggling and feel alone and you are going to be such a big help!
Reply
Ginger
1/12/2018 12:53:56 pm
Thank you so much!! I just really really hope that people out there that can find my blog can feel connected, not so crazy, and know they’re not alone. I remember feeling so overwhelmed that there was something wrong with me in the beginning, 5 years ago, and I felt like I was the only person in the world going through it. I thought I was going crazy. Thank you for reading it, and for being such a supportive friend as I do this. This is definitely putting me out of my comfort zone, but something I feel like I need to do ?
Reply
Andrew Wertheim
1/12/2018 07:17:26 pm
Ginger we have more in common than I realized. Call me sometime soon. We should chat. PS super proud of you for writing this
Reply
Ginger
1/12/2018 07:44:57 pm
Thank you so much! It was a hard decision to make sharing such a personal aspect of my life, but I felt strongly about sharing my story and tips now that I am through the thick of my anxiety. I would love to talk soon, Andrew! It is crazy how many people deal with anxiety in their life and suffer silently not reaching out to others because they are worried and feel by themselves in their struggle. I didn't know this was something you dealt with too. We will chat soon!
Carole Webber
1/12/2018 12:30:14 pm
There are times in our life when we have to look deeply into our souls; this is what you're doing. Putting thoughts in writing does help, sharing is courageous. Blessings.
Reply
Ginger
1/12/2018 04:39:00 pm
Thank you so much there is something therapeutic about writing down your feelings and experiences, especially when they have the potential to help others!
Reply
It's never easy letting people see the side of us we've tried so hard to hide but it's always something God can use to help someone else feel not so alone. Bravery is always a blessing, both for those who have it and for those who need it. Thank you for being brave!!!
Reply
Ginger
1/12/2018 04:43:42 pm
Thank you so much! I don’t feel brave right now I feel nervous doing something so vulnerable. But there is something therapeutic about writing down your feelings and experiences, especially when they have the potential to help others! I feel like what I have gone through and overcome is a platform that God has given me to help someone else going through the same thing alone.
Reply
Grace
1/12/2018 01:05:18 pm
Ginger, I am so proud of you for putting your experience on paper. It is not easy to let the world know the rabbit holes we fall into ; and the courage to share the darkest of your experience, the struggle to recognize it for what it truly is, and the strength & resilience to not just survive, but live your best life possible is commendable. I love you.... mrs. b
Reply
Ginger
1/12/2018 04:45:34 pm
Thank you so much! You’re very right it isn’t easy at all being so personal about private things in order for others to read. I do have to say there is something therapeutic about writing down your feelings and experiences, especially when they have the potential to help others!
Reply
Chris
1/12/2018 01:35:48 pm
I am so proud of my wife for writing this blog. Anxiety is something she has struggled with and she now lives with barley a trace of it. She has worked so hard to overcome it and is sharing her story, tips, coping skills, and recommendations for others who are dealing with anxiety.
Reply
Ginger
1/12/2018 06:02:40 pm
They are terrifying and so hard for people without anxiety tonubderstand. I hope that the more people talk about life with anxiety, the more help there will be for others. It is horrible to feel so alone and scared. Thank you so much for your comment and for reading...I would love to hear what you think of next weeks blog too. Alresdy, I have found that there is something therapeutic about writing down my feelings and experiences, especially when they have the potential to help others! I have gotten back to how I was before anxiety and then some ...and although it is so hard to write such personal experiences and it will only get harder as my life just went south from that first anxiety attack...I think it’s so important to share. It has been weighing on my heart to put it all out there. Here’s to hoping it helps someone else!
Reply
Christine Q
1/12/2018 04:46:29 pm
Anexiety attacks are a very real and scary thing. I have been through several. I appreciate your vulnerability! I’m looking forward to reading more!
Reply
Ginger
1/12/2018 06:05:39 pm
Sorry for reposting this comment...I accidentally posted this response to my husbands above post when o thought I was responding to you Christine. They are terrifying and so hard for people without anxiety tonubderstand. I hope that the more people talk about life with anxiety, the more help there will be for others. It is horrible to feel so alone and scared. Thank you so much for your comment and for reading...I would love to hear what you think of next weeks blog too. Alresdy, I have found that there is something therapeutic about writing down my feelings and experiences, especially when they have the potential to help others! I have gotten back to how I was before anxiety and then some ...and although it is so hard to write such personal experiences and it will only get harder as my life just went south from that first anxiety attack...I think it’s so important to share. It has been weighing on my heart to put it all out there. Here’s to hoping it helps someone else!
Reply
Dara Taylor
1/12/2018 04:54:51 pm
I am so proud of my absolute best friend. You are by far the best friend that I could ever ask for. I am so proud of you for talking about this that. I also struggle with anxiety on a daily basis so I can’t wait to read about your stories and I know that it will help me achieve the results that you have gotten. I love you girl & what you are doing is absolutely wonderful!
Reply
Ginger
1/12/2018 06:10:14 pm
Thank you so much Dara! I am so blessed to have you as a friend and in my corner supporting me on this new endeavor of mine. I know that you will get to the point of managing your anxiety and stress so well and it will be one day soon. It is definitely not easy being so vulnerable and open but it is therapeutic writing down my feelings and experiences, especially when they have the potential to help others! I have gotten back to how I was before anxiety and then some ....But i think it’s so important to share. It has been weighing on my heart to put it all out there.
Reply
1/12/2018 08:09:15 pm
Ginger, bless your heart, I'm so proud of you for posting you your feelings on anxiety. You'll help so many people with the same feelings. I realize my daughter-in-law must have suffered from that. The only difference between you and her is that she was very negative and nothing was her fault You ..on the other hand are VERY positive... YOU will overcome this. She never did.
Reply
Ginger
1/14/2018 09:50:32 am
Thank you so much Mrs. Prine! I am so blessed to have you supporting me on this new endeavor of mine. I am sorry to hear that your daughter-in-law never overcame her anxiety. I can honestly say that overcoming my anxiety took me years of hard work and was honestly the most challenging thing I have had to overcome thus far in my life. Although I am just on blog post one, it is definitely not easy being so vulnerable and open but it is therapeutic writing down my feelings and experiences, especially when they have the potential to help others! I have gotten back to how I was before anxiety and then some ....But I think it’s so important to share. It has been weighing on my heart to put it all out there for others.
Reply
Betty
1/13/2018 07:48:45 am
I always knew you were fabulous and amazing. Thank you for sharing your journey. Wish I had known. So proud of you, love and miss you.
Reply
Ginger
1/14/2018 09:47:18 am
Ms.Betty!!! How wonderful it is to hear from you and how thankful I am to still have your support after these years! Thank you for your words of support! I honestly had no idea what was going on when I was working with you and it wasn't until right after I left that my anxiety came full force. I miss you dearly and hope that you will enjoy reading my weekly blogs!
Reply
Gillian
1/13/2018 01:44:08 pm
My mother suffers from anxiety. The same anxiety you talk about. The kind where you worry to step out the door to go for a drive kind of anxiety because you worry that you something is going to happen you have no control over kind of anxiety. As a daughter is heartbreaking to get that phone call on the other end and talk them through it. Change the subject. It is hard. Really HARD. And it is awesome that you are overcoming this anxiety. A LOT of people including family see anxiety as you over reacting. You can't just get it together. You KNOW it's more than that and it only makes the weight of anxiety that much more heavy. I'm proud of you Ginger. You are and always have been an amazing woman in my eyes. You have always worn a smile on your face and brought joy to others. You have been one of the most positive people in my life and I know little miss Eleanor is very lucky to have you as a mother 😊
Reply
Ginger
1/14/2018 09:42:58 am
Gillian Thank you for sharing this! I remember you saying that your mom has anxiety and how hard it is! It isn’t something you can control it is something you have to learn how to live with and accommodate and hope gets better with time. thank you for your words...I’m so lucky to have a friend like you! Thank you so much too for reading my blog... I have found already with just this first post that there is something therapeutic about writing down my feelings and experiences, especially when they have the potential to help others! I have gotten back to how I was before anxiety and then some and although it is so hard to write such personal experiences and it will only get harder as my life just went south from that point I think it’s so important to share. It has been weighing on my heart to put it all out there.
Reply
1/14/2018 08:28:51 am
Thank you Ginger for sharing such an informative and most necessary piece of writing. It's beautifully presented. The common thread throughout your entire story is one of support from those that love you dearly. And, my friend that is why you desire to help so many others.
Reply
Ginger
1/15/2018 04:49:38 pm
Thank you very much for your words and for your support! If I can help just one person feel understood and less alone that is enough for me! I would love it if you would continue to follow my weekly posts, feel free to share to those you think could benefit from the read.
Reply
Ginger
1/16/2018 04:28:07 pm
As I sit down tonight to start writing this weeks’ blog, I want to say a huge thank you for everyone who read and supported last weeks’ blog post. As I read each comment, I felt myself start to relax under the power of all your positive words. Thank you to all you readers out there!
Reply
Melanie
1/18/2018 07:06:11 pm
Ginger!! I am so incredibly proud of you for being so vulnerable and telling your story to others. So many people live with anxiety and are either too afraid to talk about it, or simply don't even realize they have it. I am so proud of you for bridging that gap an allowing others into your life. Love you!
Reply
Ginger
1/19/2018 08:22:50 am
Melanie you are the best!! Thank you so much for your support and sharing, I don’t know how I got so blessed to have a friend like you!! I hope that by talking about this openly I will be able to really help others that are dealing with anxiety!
Reply
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
Hey all you awesome people reading my blog. I'm Ginger and this blog chronicles how I live my life fabulously with anxiety.
|