Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, have faith, I will not fail you or forsake you, and I will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
I have had a hard time staying faithful and true to this Bible verse these past few weeks, because life has been too much. I feel like telling the referee that I need a timeout. The stresses of my daughter being sick, life in general, and anxiety have left me a poor version of myself.
My anxiety leaves me with a need to be in control of my life, to understand what is going on around me, to doubt and question, to have order, to be successful, to be able to plan and manage, etc. I notice when I get stressed or overwhelmed, I can lash out in anger or frustration. I don’t mean the hitting and cussing kind of anger (seek help if that’s the boat you’re in)….I mean the snapping at you because you looked at me wrong anger.
My anxiety demands planning, order, and control. Normally, I am able to use my own tips I have found to manage my anxiety. However, when extremely stressful life events leave me thrown into situations that are not plannable, not orderly, and leave me out of control it feeds my anxiety like gas to a flame. Is it fair to those I lash out towards? Absolutely not, and moreover, it always leaves me feeling terribly ashamed of myself.
This week has brought another round of Urgent Care, Emergency Room Visits, and Doctor Appointments for my daughter Eleanor. It has been so frustrating to not be in control, and not know what is going on with her. Elle has had a fever of 105-106, congestion, stomach issues, wheezing, and a full body rash. I have been assured that this has nothing to do with her previous sickness, but my anxiety leaves me questioning this as well.
We have been told it is the Endovirus, Rosella, and an Ear Infection. Do I trust these diagnosis? Nope. Why? Because until today, there has been no blood work and there were no tests that can conclusively tell me 100% that (insert virus here) is actually the cause of her problems. My anxiety makes it to where I NEED to know 100% what is wrong with my sweet baby. I am the one meant to make decisions for her and protect her and I feel like I am failing. I can’t just take the word of a doctor without proof with something as important as my daughter. I need to feel reassured that we are on the right track.
How is it that my baby who was just in the ICU three weeks ago with the Flu and Pneumonia is now extremely sick again? This time is even harder, because we simply don’t know what is wrong. What is causing a 105 fever and a full body rash???
I am overwhelmed. I am stressed. I am unsatisfied with what the doctors are telling me, and I don’t trust in them since they have been wrong throughout this week. My mind goes from best possibilities to the worst as far as a diagnosis. I have had to miss work. I have had to put a smile on my face and breathe deeply to try to see the positives.
It is HARD being an adult, people. It is HARD being a parent. It is HARD doing both while living with anxiety.
I am not saying that my life is any harder than others, because everyone deals with their own demons whether openly or silently, and guess what? They are all different demons, because we are all different people. However, I can speak from the perspective of someone with anxiety and say that it sure is not easy to keep your head above water in such stressful times.
How do I cope right now, and how am I still trying to go about my life as normally as possible?
I followed my own advice. I prayed, breathed, reduced sugars and caffeine, I though positively, I reached out to others and let them help me, etc. I’ll tell you a secret. It was so hard accepting help even though we needed it. Were these things enough? No, of course it was not enough with the stresses of my daughter having two major life threatening illnesses in the past two weeks on top my anxiety. But am I making it? Yes, I am. Well….at least I am trying and that is something!
There’s the key people. The second that you stop trying, you give into your worries, fears, anxiety. Yes, life can suck (inhale greatly) sometimes, but you know what? So long as you keep trying to improve yourself, see yourself through a situation better than you did the last time, and find those negatives and try to replace them with positives; then you have never truly let your anxiety win. I know that I have both strengths and weaknesses, and I have to trust in God to help equip me to face the challenges of today and tomorrow. I need God to help me be brave. I need God to remind me that he is with me wherever I go, and that he has got this. I have faith that He has got my husband, myself, and my daughter in his hand of protection. I have faith that he will see us through. If you can’t trust yourself to see yourself through hard times…trust in him.
I challenge you to be BRAVE and to never stop trying to improve yourself and your circumstances.
Until next time!
Hey all you awesome people reading my blog. I'm Ginger and this blog chronicles how I live my life fabulously with anxiety.